I've dusted off this old blog of mine to write the story of Samuel. I like being able to write out how things went. I find it therapeutic. Before I dive into the actual birth, I wanted to share about those 9 months leading up to it.
If there is one thing I wish I could change about my prenatal care it's I wish there was more emotional support. I've been blessed to have very healthy pregnancies. Month after month or week after week I go into a doctor's office and it's blood pressure is good, baby's heart rate is good....see you next time! The basics of health always get covered and I'm thankful for uneventful medical needs but one thing I usually struggle with in pregnancy is more of the mental/emotional side. This time was no different and in all my appointments, not one health care professional ever asked how that was going.
This pregnancy was a surprise to us. We had not been ready to say we were done having kids but over the past few years I felt like I decided it wasn't in the cards. I felt like with the life choices we had made, making a move, Brad getting a PhD and working full time on top of already having 3 kids, having a baby just wasn't a good idea. I had already went through my grieving about not having a girl and I didn't want to go through it again. But still, there was always a part of us that was open to the idea, otherwise we would have been able to say we were done for certain. It was a couple of months before I was pregnant that our oldest son began adding in that he would like a baby brother or sister in his nightly prayers. I always laughed. I was not ready to go for it.
Then it happened. I suspected and the little stick had positive lines. From the start, there was a mix of emotions. At first, all I could do was laugh. "God must have a sense of humor," I thought. We had just accepted the Family Life Director position at our church so the timing just seemed comical. After laughing came the crying. I wasn't sure I wanted to go through it all again. I immediately was hit with fears and anxiety of how things would go. I was afraid of miscarriage or that something would be wrong with the baby. I was afraid that birth would go horribly wrong this time. I was afraid to go through the physical pain again, to gain weight and to be judged for adding one more child to our family. I really struggled with all of it and it wasn't just in the beginning.
I tried and tried to feel excited but never really did. I started to come around a little when we were to find out the sex. I tried to guard myself because I knew it could easily be another boy. I love my boys and wouldn't trade them for anything. Logically I knew I would love another but there was all this pressure to get a girl. I did want a girl. I thought that would make this whole mess make sense if it were a girl. So many people were praying for a girl or hoping for a girl. I felt like if I had another boy I would just be disappointing everyone. Even my kids wanted a baby sister. So finding out we were in fact having another boy was a big blow. It didn't hit me hard at first but it kept creeping back in throughout the pregnancy. I felt like I was letting everyone down. I was disappointed. I didn't need another boy. I didn't want another boy so what was the point of being pregnant? None of these things are rational I know, but that is how my mind was working. I struggled through the rest of pregnancy with these things and on top of it all felt guilty for feeling them. I wanted to badly to feel a connection to something. I wanted to connect with my baby, my husband, my God and yet I struggled with it all. It felt like all of them were out of reach.
I felt like I hit my "nesting" early. I was obsessed with trying to get everything done before his arrival. No matter what it felt like there wasn't enough time to get the house ready and do all the fun things I wanted to do before I entered my "prison sentence." That's what it felt like to me. It was like I was a ticking time bomb and once this baby arrived my life would be over again. I had been feeling so good about life before. I felt like we were in such a positive place and for the first time in a long time I was more than just mom and housewife. I had other roles too. I felt like I was losing my freedom. I finally got to the point where I just didn't care anymore what got done. I lost my urge to nest. I gave up. The countdown was on. I was totally depressed.
Depressed. I never really said the word until the end of pregnancy. I would sit alone in my house, usually in the middle of the night and cry. I would worry about all sorts of thing. I was frustrated that I couldn't sleep anymore. I would fall asleep fine at night but then wake up to use the bathroom or because of pain or discomfort and not be able to sleep again for hours. This made everything worse. I was completely irrational and I knew it, but couldn't stop feeling it.
I so wanted to enjoy this pregnancy but I didn't. I felt like I was in such a dark place and I was worried that it would last after he was born. I was so miserable towards the end and felt like no matter what I did everything would be awful. I couldn't imagine any of the birth going well and I certainly wasn't feeling patient enough to wait it out so I didn't fight the idea of an induction. For better or worse I went for it...that's a whole other crazy story! But, moments after the birth of Samuel I can say I actually felt like the fog had lifted! Suddenly I was taken out of that deep pit of despair I had been in and felt like my mind was clearer. I immediate connected with my son. My husband was super amazing through it all and I've even had some awesome moments of worship. It's amazing the night and day shift that happened. I love this baby more than I can say. I sleep better now than I did when I was pregnant. I no longer feel hopeless or that my life is over. Yes, there will be challenges with a baby in the house but I finally feel like I can think through them rationally. I'm so thankful for this! Maybe I will always feel a little sad that I didn't get a girl but at the moment it doesn't seem to matter.
I know many women struggle with postpartum depression and I have to say, the only thing I heard about that was to call a certain number if I felt bad. After this experience I'm just surprised there isn't more help that can be offered through this crazy emotional state we go through both before and after pregnancy. I literally felt like I was going crazy and didn't know if I could really say how I felt. I am thankful that part is over now. I'm thankful to be able to say that I love my son and feel so happy right now. I know there are other women who have struggled on either side of pregnancy so I felt that it was important to share my story and hopefully encourage others in some way. If anything, it is helpful for me to write it out. I will be writing a part two...the actual birth experience for those who are interested! Stay tuned!
If there is one thing I wish I could change about my prenatal care it's I wish there was more emotional support. I've been blessed to have very healthy pregnancies. Month after month or week after week I go into a doctor's office and it's blood pressure is good, baby's heart rate is good....see you next time! The basics of health always get covered and I'm thankful for uneventful medical needs but one thing I usually struggle with in pregnancy is more of the mental/emotional side. This time was no different and in all my appointments, not one health care professional ever asked how that was going.
This pregnancy was a surprise to us. We had not been ready to say we were done having kids but over the past few years I felt like I decided it wasn't in the cards. I felt like with the life choices we had made, making a move, Brad getting a PhD and working full time on top of already having 3 kids, having a baby just wasn't a good idea. I had already went through my grieving about not having a girl and I didn't want to go through it again. But still, there was always a part of us that was open to the idea, otherwise we would have been able to say we were done for certain. It was a couple of months before I was pregnant that our oldest son began adding in that he would like a baby brother or sister in his nightly prayers. I always laughed. I was not ready to go for it.
Then it happened. I suspected and the little stick had positive lines. From the start, there was a mix of emotions. At first, all I could do was laugh. "God must have a sense of humor," I thought. We had just accepted the Family Life Director position at our church so the timing just seemed comical. After laughing came the crying. I wasn't sure I wanted to go through it all again. I immediately was hit with fears and anxiety of how things would go. I was afraid of miscarriage or that something would be wrong with the baby. I was afraid that birth would go horribly wrong this time. I was afraid to go through the physical pain again, to gain weight and to be judged for adding one more child to our family. I really struggled with all of it and it wasn't just in the beginning.
I tried and tried to feel excited but never really did. I started to come around a little when we were to find out the sex. I tried to guard myself because I knew it could easily be another boy. I love my boys and wouldn't trade them for anything. Logically I knew I would love another but there was all this pressure to get a girl. I did want a girl. I thought that would make this whole mess make sense if it were a girl. So many people were praying for a girl or hoping for a girl. I felt like if I had another boy I would just be disappointing everyone. Even my kids wanted a baby sister. So finding out we were in fact having another boy was a big blow. It didn't hit me hard at first but it kept creeping back in throughout the pregnancy. I felt like I was letting everyone down. I was disappointed. I didn't need another boy. I didn't want another boy so what was the point of being pregnant? None of these things are rational I know, but that is how my mind was working. I struggled through the rest of pregnancy with these things and on top of it all felt guilty for feeling them. I wanted to badly to feel a connection to something. I wanted to connect with my baby, my husband, my God and yet I struggled with it all. It felt like all of them were out of reach.
I felt like I hit my "nesting" early. I was obsessed with trying to get everything done before his arrival. No matter what it felt like there wasn't enough time to get the house ready and do all the fun things I wanted to do before I entered my "prison sentence." That's what it felt like to me. It was like I was a ticking time bomb and once this baby arrived my life would be over again. I had been feeling so good about life before. I felt like we were in such a positive place and for the first time in a long time I was more than just mom and housewife. I had other roles too. I felt like I was losing my freedom. I finally got to the point where I just didn't care anymore what got done. I lost my urge to nest. I gave up. The countdown was on. I was totally depressed.
Depressed. I never really said the word until the end of pregnancy. I would sit alone in my house, usually in the middle of the night and cry. I would worry about all sorts of thing. I was frustrated that I couldn't sleep anymore. I would fall asleep fine at night but then wake up to use the bathroom or because of pain or discomfort and not be able to sleep again for hours. This made everything worse. I was completely irrational and I knew it, but couldn't stop feeling it.
I so wanted to enjoy this pregnancy but I didn't. I felt like I was in such a dark place and I was worried that it would last after he was born. I was so miserable towards the end and felt like no matter what I did everything would be awful. I couldn't imagine any of the birth going well and I certainly wasn't feeling patient enough to wait it out so I didn't fight the idea of an induction. For better or worse I went for it...that's a whole other crazy story! But, moments after the birth of Samuel I can say I actually felt like the fog had lifted! Suddenly I was taken out of that deep pit of despair I had been in and felt like my mind was clearer. I immediate connected with my son. My husband was super amazing through it all and I've even had some awesome moments of worship. It's amazing the night and day shift that happened. I love this baby more than I can say. I sleep better now than I did when I was pregnant. I no longer feel hopeless or that my life is over. Yes, there will be challenges with a baby in the house but I finally feel like I can think through them rationally. I'm so thankful for this! Maybe I will always feel a little sad that I didn't get a girl but at the moment it doesn't seem to matter.
I know many women struggle with postpartum depression and I have to say, the only thing I heard about that was to call a certain number if I felt bad. After this experience I'm just surprised there isn't more help that can be offered through this crazy emotional state we go through both before and after pregnancy. I literally felt like I was going crazy and didn't know if I could really say how I felt. I am thankful that part is over now. I'm thankful to be able to say that I love my son and feel so happy right now. I know there are other women who have struggled on either side of pregnancy so I felt that it was important to share my story and hopefully encourage others in some way. If anything, it is helpful for me to write it out. I will be writing a part two...the actual birth experience for those who are interested! Stay tuned!
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