4 Years later...

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back. There are some things that time can not mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold.”

 

It seems The Lord of the Rings has many quotes to describe how I feel.   It has been 4 years today since my mom passed away.  I feel like this quote from the movie really sums it up.  There is no going back.  Four years ago life changed dramatically.  Losing someone you are close to changes things forever.  The family I once had is now gone.  The structure that was once my parents, my sister and myself was broken.  I suppose it all started to change when I got married.  I brought someone new into our family circle.  Then of course when I had Micah.  Adding people seems to be more hopeful and happy than taking one away.  I have realized that now all I can do is go forward.  In some ways it's easy.  Life has seemed to go on for everyone since the day she died.  What choice did we have but to move with it?  For me, I had to move on because I had a new baby.  I had to pull myself together to take on the new role in my life.  But there is no going back.  I will never get to be the child again.  I will never have the mom to go out shopping with or the mom who wants to take the grandchildren over night.  I can no longer talk to my mom on the phone 3 or 4 times a week even when we have nothing to talk about.  The only thing I can do now is to learn from the past.  Take the good and press on and try to break the chains that need to be broken.  

The hurts don't seem to really go away though.  Frodo was right, there are some things that time cannot mend.  I think about my mom in some way every day.  Sometimes it's a memory.  Sometimes it's remembering how hard it was when she left us.  The hurt has gone deep though.  It has taken hold and life can never be the same.  There is no picking up where you left off, it's more like completely starting over. 

I don't know if any of this is making sense or if I'm just rambling.  It's hard to put my feelings into words.  It's not meant to be depressing but the sadness is part of life.  I rejoice in knowing that my mom is in Heaven.  I will see her again someday.  

"Death is just another path, one we all must take."

Tomorrow is not promised...so love people today!

We miss you, mom!